WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
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People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Meowchelangelo
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son