Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
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Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
#MeanwhileinCanada
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Monday
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Pickled cat.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle