Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
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I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
dutch is not a serious language
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.