Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
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*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
mariah carrie
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.