Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
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how much for the angry fruit?
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”