every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
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new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.