BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
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Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
*looks at you in batman voice*
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.