No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
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I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Hot hot hot 🥵
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.