No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
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saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
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Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
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Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it: