reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
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Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
*watches the world burn*
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now