Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
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I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day: