My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
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Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
🐕🍷
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Ooh I do like a good funnel
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails