I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
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If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
my first day as a raccoon
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.