Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
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CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Social Media and Real life
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Banking tips
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.