Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
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Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
😎 🍻
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.