A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
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“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.