A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
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I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
the clam before the storm
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”