Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
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she has a point
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
How funny!
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”