Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?
You Might Also Like
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.