She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
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Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories