[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
You Might Also Like
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
at ease…shoulder.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
In space, no one can hear…
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave