[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
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[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
.. do you even science?
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
What fresh Hell is this?!?
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
What happened to the other hiker??!
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email