What fresh Hell is this?!?
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Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
vegan witches, happy halloween!
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe