[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
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If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go