[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
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9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir