“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
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if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
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Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach