“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
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Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Optional boss fight.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]