The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
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judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.