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What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.