ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
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Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Me when someone tries to get to know me
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’