[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
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Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?