you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
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If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days