The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
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So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Check your privilege
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I think I’ll stand
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.