An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
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I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Who did it better?
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Happy thanksgiving!
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude