Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
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“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you