Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
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Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.