Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
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Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil