This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
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Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast