Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
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Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?