*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
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My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Every damn time
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!