*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
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Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.