People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
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Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”