If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
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When your parents check you’re ok.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them