women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
You Might Also Like
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Me, in DM rooms…
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
I know a bad idea when I see one.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.