Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
You Might Also Like
Not even remotely sorry.
all that yoga finally paid off
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood