[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
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Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
A bold strategy
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.