Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
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I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
That’s classic.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Something Saturday.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.