online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
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instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
gf: [crying] I love him
gf鈥檚 dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that鈥檚 not what it
m
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“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Imagine being at your therapist鈥檚 office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne鈥檚 father shouldn鈥檛 have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that鈥檚 good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs馃檧
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that鈥檚 not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you鈥檙e now dead to me.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY鈥橲 POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Rock of ages, but it鈥檚 just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.