Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
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Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.