Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
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[montage of me giving-up]
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
You are what you delete.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Have kids, they said
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok