*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
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apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
what day is it?
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Saturday
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….