If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
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I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
i think we should see other cousins
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
A completely valid reaction tbh
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.