If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
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me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!