If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
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Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?