Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
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Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Seems a bit forward
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
i hope my email finds you on fire
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep