I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
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Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.