Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
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[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade